A Choice

I took today off from work. At 12:30, Gavin and I are going to sit down with a psychiatrist and decide if medication is the right treatment option for our son. This has been a possibility ever since Milo was 3 1/2 and we figured out that he had some developmental challenges. The psychiatric evaluations took a few months, but after a lot of searching, a lot of prayer, and a lot of support we had a diagnosis.

It was not what I wanted to hear. My son, my precious baby boy that I worked so hard to carry as close to term as my body would allow (and still only got to 34 weeks), the light of my world had Asperger's Disorder. He doesn't present like many kids with an autism spectrum disorder, but it is there. Typical of many kids with Asperger's, Milo is brilliant (scary smart, and I am not just saying that because I am his mom). Also typical are his struggles with impulsivity and anxiety. Thus the trip to the psychiatrist today.

Gavin and I talked about medication for months-years really-when our first suspicion was that Milo had severe ADHD. Truly, that is how Asperger's presents in our son most of the time, as ADHD. Because of this and because he is more self-aware than most kids on the spectrum are, we've had family members and friends doubt his diagnosis, well-meaning, but nonetheless unhelpful opinions. There are some who tell us, without knowing what we have been through, what therapies and treatment options we have tried, "please don't medicate your child" or "there is nothing wrong with Milo. Why are you making such a big deal about this." None of this helps.

I have spent some time researching drug options. This is not a decision that my husband and I came to lightly, nor did we really want to say "lets do this." But we have a choice to make. Our child has done incredibly well with all of the interventions afforded to him both at school (speech for pragmatics and articulation and occupational therapy) and at home (a sensory diet, swimming four to five times a week, modified eating habits, a strong schedule, individual therapy and social skills groups). His current teacher modified her classroom management system to give Milo a few more steps to help him correct his behavior. We have done everything right. Yet one day, about a month ago, Milo asked us to get him an appointment with his doctor (psychologist). He wanted to know what else he could do to make his brain work better. He wanted help being a "better boy so people won't get mad at me."

How do I say no to that? How do I say to my son "Sorry, buddy, there is nothing else I can do." I came to the conculsion that I can't. I need to help him just like I always have (and that is not meant to exclude Gavin. My husband is an amazing father to our son). This time it involves giving him a drug. In typing this, I am starting to feel a little better about this decision. But it is one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my life.

The most important part of this is that my son is getting help. It's not about me...but it feels like it is. I feel like I have somehow failed because I couldn't find the right diet, or the right therapy, or the right magic spell that was going to make things all better for my boy. That's the hardest part of today...even though I have told countless parents that this is not their fault, they didn't cause their child to have a neurological challenge, there is nothing wrong with seeking pharmaceutical intervention if that is what is best for their child...well, I know what they were thinking every time I tried to reassure them.

This is my fault.

Pray for me. Send good thoughts. Today, even though I am doing the right thing, I feel like the worst mother on the planet. I feel like I have failed my child.