For years, I had no trouble with my weight. I could eat what I wanted, work out or not, and I stayed in the same weight range...150-160 pounds. I had some behaviors that were less than honorable. Sometimes, I would not eat for a day or two. Other times, I would take large amounts of laxatives to clear out my system. After a particularly painful break-up, I went off the deep end. It took heart palpatations for me to realize I had an eating disorder and needed help. I got the help and learned to eat normally again. That was a good thing.
Later, I had to take a medication to control a minor health problem. The medication was temporary and did its job, but an unfortunate side affect was weight gain to the tune of 40 pounds. After failing to lose that weight, I did something that put even more weight on my frame...I got pregnant. And due to mandated bed rest and preeclampsia gained another 100 pounds.
I don't carry all of that extra weight on my body anymore, but I still carry too much of it. I have been told by my doctor that I need to lose about 70 pounds. It pains me to type that, but it's true. I get scared by my inability to lose the weight especially since my eating habits are not bad. My exercise habits are a problem. (I believe the words are inconsistent and sporadic.) Although, when I was working out regularly, my weight did not go down much either. I've had my thyroid checked; no medical cause for my lack of results.
Whatever it is, I have to lose this weight. First, my grandmother and my mother both had bypass surgery in their 50's. I don't want to be the third generation. Second, I hate the way I look. Every time I look in a mirror, I am shocked by what I see. That fat chick staring back cannot be me. Don't get me started on pictures of me...I used to love pictures. Now, I don't want to be on "that" side of the camera.
I'm hoping by blogging about it, I will hold myself more accountable. Maybe I'll exercise more-that's the lynch pin in my struggle-if I share say it outloud. It also really helps my arthritis to be physically active. Something has to change that's for sure. I love myself, but I really hate the way I look.
You're singing my song, sister! I've become a little more accepting of myself but that's probably because I've had a lifetime to get used to it whereas you haven't. It's my struggle and always has been and always will be I'm sure. I've blogged about it a few times, too. I hope by putting it out there that you find what you're looking for. You're gorgeous however so even if you see a fat chick, rest assured no one else does. But yeah, that girl lives in my mirror, too. DAMN HER.
ReplyDeletewell lady - i'm with you. I managed to gain 40lbs AFTER Sadie was born (on top of already being 30+lbs overweight). It was the 1 chocolate croissantsa day plan I was on. Anyway, I joined in weight watchers in January and I have to say - it is pretty awesome. Highly recommend. Fairly painless and you know, the meetings aren't that bad.
ReplyDeleteBy blogging, you also open yourself up to smart ass comments. I don't have any funny ones now. But you should follow Tammy's lead and do Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. And keep a food diary, it's amazing how many hidden calories we (note the word "we") take in daily. Good Luck.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember, Black people and rappers from Seattle like big butts....
Kenneth...you're too funny. I don't mind my big butt so much as my big belly. That's brutal! Anyway, my friend Lisa and I are going to be walking/weight watcher's buddies. And I the food journal is an excellent idea, Dr. Stanley. As always. ;-) Tammy, Ashley thank you.
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